Valuable Lessons Learned from a Divorce Experience: The Road to Self-Discovery and Understanding
Divorce is often seen as a financial and emotional negotiation, but it is also a journey of self-discovery and emotional rewiring. Reflecting on my own divorce, I wish someone had shared the following vital advice to guide me through what was to come.
Balancing Personal and Collective Desires
Balance. Balance. And some more balance. Perhaps the most significant lesson I wish I had learned earlier was the importance of striking a balance between personal and shared desires. In my marriage, a lack of balance often caused frustration and guilt. If both my partner and I had actively chosen to prioritize our individual and mutual goals, we might have been able to preserve the marriage.
Without this understanding, we felt guilty about prioritizing our desires or holding them against each other when the other partner did the same. Our relationship would have benefited greatly from the support and insight that couples therapy could have provided if we had both been open and willing to seek help.
Personal Growth and Boundaries
My divorce also exposed me to several personal growth lessons that I wish I had learned sooner. For instance, I wish I had never taken myself for granted during my marriage to an abuser. Instead, I should have nurtured my independence and taken better care of myself. This would have allowed me to build a stronger emotional foundation and make more informed choices.
Additionally, I regret trusting people who acted as close friends or well-wishers, only to realize they were not the allies I thought they were. These individuals often thrilled in seeing others fall and preferred a miserable life for them. I also wish I had known to trust my own judgment over the advice of those who had never experienced significant relationships firsthand.
Embrace Reality and Accept Personal Growth
Acceptance and understanding are crucial in any relationship. I wish I had known that marriage is about metamorphosis, not preservation. Instead of striving to be exactly who I was when I entered into the relationship, I needed to embrace the changes that would naturally occur. Unrealistic expectations often lead to disappointment, and I wish I could have been more patient and self-compassionate. Marriage is an ever-evolving process, and both partners must adapt to the new realities of their relationship.
Furthermore, relationships are not about finding the perfect soulmate but about creating a viable connection that works for the both of you. Compatibility is more about understanding and accepting differences rather than trying to change the other person to fit your ideal. It's essential to remember that we can learn to love and honor each other despite our differences.
Invest in Self-Discovery and Emotional Well-being
Reflecting on my journey, I wish I had known to invest more time in self-discovery and spiritual growth. God made this experience transformative, raising me from the ashes. I learned to stand strong, cherish my autonomy, and live my best life without succumbing to the opinions of others. It's crucial not to underestimate or undervalue oneself, as these feelings can be a significant barrier to personal growth.
Lastly, my divorce taught me that every relationship is a skill that can be honed with practice and learning. There are numerous tools and techniques to develop the necessary communication, compromise, and emotional intelligence required for a healthy relationship. By investing in our own emotional well-being, we can create stronger, more fulfilling connections in both our personal and professional lives.