The Shocking Truth: Why Angry Sex Can Actually Strengthen Relationships
Why does a fierce argument between a couple often end with intimate and passionate make-up sex? This curious behavior, referred to as 'angry sex', has intrigued many. In this article, we explore the science behind this phenomenon and its impact on marital satisfaction and long-term relationship happiness.
Angry Sex: Beyond a Simple Put-Down
When a fight erupts in a relationship, the immediate response might include buying a bag of comforting chocolates or a bouquet of roses. However, there's another, perhaps more daring, option: having sex. This unique approach to conflict resolution is rooted in a biological instinct shared by some of our closest primate relatives, the bonobos.
Unveiling the Bonobo Connection
Imagine a relationship like that of the bonobo, a species known for its peaceful and copious use of sexual behavior. Bonobos share over 98% of their genetic makeup with humans and exhibit sexual activity far more frequently than other primates. In fact, after conflicts, both male and female bonobos often engage in sexual behavior as a means of comfort and reconciliation.
Known as post-conflict sexual contacts, this behavior serves to provide physical and psychological comfort. This aligns with the stress alleviation hypothesis, suggesting that such behaviors help individuals cope with the emotional aftermath of conflict.
Why Angry Sex Happens
When emotions are heightened during a heated argument, the body releases stress hormones, creating a deep emotional bond between partners. This emotional connection is strong enough to make both parties feel the need to seek reconciliation and restore intimacy.
During a fight, individuals experience a sense of alloaffect, amplifying the intensity of emotional states, including both negative and positive ones. This heightened emotional state propels the couple toward a reconnection, driven by the underlying desire to stay together and reduce the feeling of separation.
Case Study: Newlywed Couples
A 2020 study following 107 newlywed couples for six months found that while post-conflict sexual encounters did not significantly increase overall happiness, they did help alleviate negative emotions and reduce the impact of conflict on daily relationship quality. This suggests that angry sex can serve as a short-term emotional remedy but may not have lasting positive benefits on long-term satisfaction.
Personality and Preferences
It's not a one-size-fits-all scenario. Some couples find that angry sex is a vital part of their relationship dynamic, using it as a way to rekindle intimacy and comfort. For others, inter-personal conflict and sexual intimacy are seen as separate entities, and the thought of merging them may be repulsive.
The intensity and frequency of angry sex can vary, heavily influenced by individual personalities. Some people thrive on the emotional high of passionate make-up sex, while others prefer a more controlled and less passionate approach to conflict resolution.
The Key to Healthy Conflict Resolution
While angry sex can indeed enhance intimacy in the short term, it's crucial to approach conflict resolution in a balanced and healthy manner. Trust and open communication are the bedrocks of a strong relationship. Engaging in angry sex without addressing the core issues can eventually damage the relationship if it becomes a habit.
The key takeaway is finding a way to manage inevitable conflicts without compromising long-term relationship happiness. Effective communication, active listening, and mutual respect should always be prioritized over overly passionate make-up sessions.
In conclusion, while angry sex can help couples regain intimacy and rekindle a sense of emotional closeness, it's not advisable to fight for sex unless you're very confident in your relationship. Constant threat and insecurity due to frequent conflicts can ultimately harm the relationship over time. The most important thing is to find a way to deal with conflict so that it doesn't undermine the long-term development of your marriage.