When a narcissist calls you abusive names, is this actually the baseline of their feelings for you? And when they are kind, is it just an act that doesn't reflect their true thoughts? Understanding the psychological underpinnings of such behavior is crucial for navigating the murky and often confusing dynamics of narcissistic relationships.

How Narcissists See You

The narcissist does not have feelings for you in the way that a healthy relationship would entail. They do not recognize you as an autonomous individual. To a narcissist, you are more like a character in a TV show that they write the script for. You are not real or independent; you are merely an extension of their identity, often seen as belonging to them—like 'my wife,' 'my daughter,' or 'my friend.'

During moments of kindness, the narcissist's ego is stable. They imagine that you admire them, and by mirroring this belief, they reinforce it. This defense mechanism doesn't require you to actually admire them; any perceived admiration, real or imagined, serves to enhance their self-image.

Why Narcissists Use Insults

When a narcissist is cruel and uses abusive names, they often believe that they feel these negative emotions toward you. However, these insulting words are more likely a projection of their own emotions onto you. Projection, a psychological defense mechanism, is when someone unconsciously attributes their own thoughts, feelings, or motives to another person.

The narcissist's insults serve as a way to distance himself from his own negative feelings. By projecting his shame, self-hatred, or fear onto you, he can assert his dominance and control. This is why it seems that you are never good enough—his ego seeks to find faults in you to justify his needs for validation and control.

When Narcissists Call You Abusive Names

In my experience, when narcissistic people call others abusive names, it's often a reflection of how they feel about themselves but are unwilling to acknowledge or admit it. I've been called abusive by individuals who were abusive, for calling out their actions. I have likely been abusive in response, but the difference is that I feel badly about it and regret the delivery rather than the message itself.

The key takeaway here is that when a narcissist calls you abusive names, it is not a reflection of your worth or their true feelings for you. It is a defense mechanism that allows them to distance themselves from their own negative emotions. Conversely, when they are kind, it is a reflection of their projection, not their true feelings.

Learning to Recognize the Mask

Understanding the psychology behind narcissistic behavior is essential for recognizing when you are dealing with a narcissist. Here are some tips to help you navigate these complex emotions:

Stay Calm and Empathetic: Recognize that their behavior is often a reflection of their own insecurities. Set Boundaries: Clearly define what is and is not acceptable behavior in your relationship. Seek Support: Surround yourself with people who will support you and validate your worth. Professional Help: Consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor to process your experiences and emotions.

While understanding the psychology behind narcissistic abuse can be a struggle, it is crucial for your healing and well-being. By recognizing the projection and understanding that you are a real, autonomous individual, you can start to reclaim your self-respect and live a more fulfilling life.

Keywords: narcissistic abuse, emotional projection, abusive names