Reflections on Self-Discovery During Lockdown: A Journey to True Self-Acceptance
After nearly a decade of marriage, my personal and professional life hit a series of devastating events, culminating in a life-changing realization during the lockdown period. The journey I recount here is one of profound self-discovery and introspection, highlighting the unique aspects of my journey toward self-acceptance.
The Triggers of Reflection
The lockdowns began approximately eight months after my marriage ended, marking a period of immense personal turmoil. Prior to this, I had experienced a car accident, endured abuse, and made things awkward at work with a colleague. These events, combined with the challenges of coexisting with my ex-wife and her mother, left me with a lot of time to reflect on my past 34 years.
Unlocking the Mask
Originally, I had let countless people, especially the woman I loved, change me into someone they wanted me to be. This realization was both surprising and deeply unsettling. Looking at mirrors and photos had become an exercise in confusion as the person I saw in the reflection was not who I was when I wasn't performing for others. I had spent years hiding my true self behind a mask, covering up flaws and weaknesses that others found unacceptable.
The Layers of Fear and Shame
Upon deeper reflection, I realized that my true fears weren't the ones commonly recognized. I was less afraid of being alone than I was of losing loved ones by revealing my true self. This led to a chronic need to please others, leading to losing my authentic self. The belief that having anyone to love was better than no one significantly influenced my behavior and relationships. Additionally, I internalized a lifetime of bullying, truly believing that no one would like me if I showed my authentic self. This deep-seated fear became malignant shame, a form of mental strain that consumed me.
The Answer: Malignant Shame
Malignant shame encapsulates all the criticism, put-downs, and bullying I had faced in my life, effectively wearing me down. This inner voice, like a fox hunting itself to exhaustion, continued to echo even after the bullies had left. The realization of this debilitating condition opened my eyes to the true impact of my past experiences on my current mental state.
Neurodivergence and the Unseen Preparation
While I was already aware of my neurodivergence, the lockdown period allowed me to understand that my environment was prepared as if I were neurotypical. This realization underscored the extent to which society had unconsciously trained me to fit in, rather than accepting my unique attributes. The revelations were like gale force winds blowing away cobwebs; they provided clarity and direction for my future path.
A Lesson from an Air Crash Investigator
Reflecting on my life, I drew parallels with an air crash investigator. Just as an air crash investigator finds the root cause of an accident, I am analyzing the causes of a life-wide disaster. The key findings include poor crew resource management, inadequate maintenance, and a lack of a safety-first culture. These lessons from the aviation industry are crucial for my own life's resiliency and happiness.
Conclusion and Recommendations
Like an air crash investigator, I present my final report on the crash of my life. The findings highlight:
Poor crew resource management Inadequate maintenance of the aircraft Advice from unqualified consultants A lack of a safety-first cultureBased on these findings, I recommend:
Effective crew resource management training Training specific to the type of aircraft Empowerment for speaking up on safety issues Ensure maintenance advice comes from qualified professionalsThe journey to self-discovery is never easy, but it is undoubtedly transformative. By understanding the root causes of my past experiences, I can work towards a more authentic and fulfilling future, free from the shackles of past criticisms and shame.