My Hogwarts Years: A Seoer’s Perspective

Welcome to my inner monologue, a recollection of what it was like to be a student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This was a fun journey, one where I revisited memories that molded me into the SEO expert I am today.

Receiving the Hogwarts Letter

Yay! I get my Hogwarts letter! Back to being eleven I go! And it was delivered by an owl. What the hell is up with that? For geography’s sake, let’s say I’m an Aussie expat. At least the letter wasn’t delivered by a magpie because those things are the devil incarnate and I ain’t taking no letters from those.

Total Sorting Confusion

Regarding the house I was sorted into, I must admit, I didn’t really care - I find qualities in each of them. I am loyal, kind, hardworking, and patient like a Hufflepuff. I am wise, logical, and creative like a Ravenclaw. I am brave, daring, and chivalrous like a Gryffindor, and ambitious and determined like a Slytherin. Though I get the feeling Gryffindor will be the one! Perhaps it was a bit too cocky, but I’ll take that over fear any day.

First Year: Initial Impressions

First class and I already find Hermione Granger annoying, and no wonder Snape snapped at her. Charms class is kind of boring, but Transfiguration is fun but tricky. Potions remind me of a hazardous cooking class and I can’t help but picture Gordon Ramsay teaching. Flying class sucks. Herbology is boring, but Transfiguration is interesting. Defense Against the Dark Arts (DADA) class is alright, but Quirrell is weird. The Golden Trio—Potter and the other two—are being reckless again, making us Gryffindors look brainless! Quidditch is kinda weird—Id love to be a Beater, but I can’t fly on those bloody broomsticks.

Second Year: Chaos and Petrifactions

Professor Lockhart is a complete nutjob. Why did Dumbledore hire him? People are getting petrified—why stay in the Gryffindor Common Room? People are getting petrified, and my friends are running into trouble. Herbology is still boring, and I hear Ginny got taken. Draco got himself sliced and diced by the hippogriff. Dumbledore dismissed exams, so they canceled! How do we even pass then?!

Third Year: Dangers and Drama

Lupin seems cool, but Remus Lupin… is that a bit odd? DADA classes with dodgy professors don’t help. Draco got himself sliced and diced by the hippogriff. Dementors are running the grounds, a bit overkill for a single wandless mass murderer on the loose. The Fat Lady is freaking out, and now it’s a slumber party in the Great Hall. Snape is pissed as he storms past me on my way back to the Common Room at curfew.

Fourth Year: The Triwizard Tournament

The Triwizard Tournament has too many students. Everyone looks mad, and the new DADA professor, also dodgy AF, is a headache. The Yule Ball is a lot of work, and then I’m hit with a ‘Potter Stinks’ badge. The three tasks of the tournament are insane, and Cedric’s death is a tragic loss. Harry and Co. are doing shady stuff, and a Pink Abomination has taken the DADA position. We end up in detention with Snape, who hurt McGonagall and sold out the DA.

Fifth Year: The Dark Times

Sixth year brings a change with Snape as the DADA professor, a relief from the previous one. Slughorn teaches Potions, and everyone seems to get a kick from love potions—keep that shit away from me. Katie Bell got cursed, and Ron got accidentally poisoned. Draco got injured, and no explanation. The staff table looks grim at dinner, and even Hagrid looks miserable. Death Eaters broke into the school, and Snape killed Dumbledore—suspicions abound. Everyone seems to be tainted by love potions, and the school feels like a boot camp.

Seventh Year: The Final Showdown

The seventh year feels strange without Harry, Hermione, and Ron. I should have stayed home, but things are messed up and I feel uncomfortable hiding cowardly. The school is run by Death Eaters, and Snape as Headmaster looks miserable. The school resembles a Death Eater boot camp, and people are dropping dead around me. Chaos ensues, and Harry finally shows up, followed by Voldemort’s henchmen. Snape was on our side, fooling Voldemort, and the thought makes me sad.

The final battle was epic, and despite Harry’s sacrifice, we won. However, I cannot come back to Hogwarts to finish my year. The thought of the chaos and madness is too much for me.