Healing from a Long-Term Breakup: Strategies for Moving On

It has been five and a half years since we broke up. How do I stop hurting?

I've dealt with this for over twenty years now. It was my choice to walk away and our paths separated for two decades. We had a long-term fiery passionate relationship for ten years, but it was also filled with anger, alcohol abuse, drama, jealousy, negativity, and endless hurt. Our families were ecstatic when I finally broke her heart and left, after years of mutual pain.

In every relationship since, I always compared them to her. And since it is impossible for them to measure up, I would exit as quickly as I entered. I stopped dating in 2016 after fifty failed relationships. What's the point? I was tired of hurting other people because it was not their fault, and I didn't want to be selfish anymore.

I can't promise you that you won't always feel this way, but the things I do to cope include yoga, meditation, and the practice of a Hawaiian mantra called Hooponopono. I don't contact her, but I wish her well. I stay positive, and I've learned that the more the person is visible in your life, the more emotional you will get.

How to Move On from a Breakup

It is not uncommon to feel devastated by a breakup. The path to moving on begins with accepting that the relationship has ended and subsequently taking steps to build a new life. You should have been well on your way to life without your ex after a year.

Based on your description, your continued distress after such a long time is a self-inflicted wound because you haven't let go of your old relationship. That is where you will remain until you work on building your future rather than grieving over your past.

However, if the breakup still has a strong emotional hold over you, many years later, to the point where you struggle with any of the following:

Emotionally opening up and committing to someone new. Becoming very jealous or even angry at your ex because they have a new partner. Thinking of or obsessing about them on a daily basis. Chasing after them. Fantasizing about a reconciliation and keeping entertaining hopes for that to happen.

Then the real problem is an unhealthy attachment that you either haven't been aware of until now or which you don't know how to heal and let go of.

Here are some strategies to help you heal that attachment:

1. Practice the Art of Letting Go

Unlearn and Let Go: This means unlearning certain beliefs, mindsets, ways of thinking, habits, and ways of doing things that have led to your attachment. Deep letting go work is transformative and life-changing. Acceptance: Accept that the relationship is over, and that this ex is not the one for you. Even if you don't want to let go, learn to stop making your emotional well-being dependent on them, their opinions, and other people or things. Empowerment: Generate feelings of validation, security, or self-confidence from within by taking charge of your emotional states of being. Release Hidden Emotions: Explore and release the hidden emotions and feelings associated with the ex and the breakup.

2. Heal Your Inner Child

Inner Child Programming: The inner child is a term for the part of your subconscious mind that stores processes and creates emotions, beliefs, and behaviors. It is where a large majority of all attachment problems originate. Reconnect and Rewire: Healing this part of your subconscious mind can transform the way you approach and manage relationships. It will reprogram faulty and destructive behaviors and patterns into healthy and positive ones.

3. Recognize Familiarity Isn't Always Best

Comfort Zone: Thinking of and chasing your ex may feel familiar and comfortable because it's what you've been doing for years. But is that truly serving your highest good? Embrace Change: Learning to leave your comfort zone, embrace change, and treat yourself like someone you're responsible for helping can be incredibly powerful.

By following these strategies, you can begin to heal from a long-term breakup and move on to a healthier, happier life.