Forgiving One's Parents: A Journey of Unsaid Affection and Independence
Often, we look back on our childhoods and wish we had said certain things that would have eased the burden on our parents or made our lives easier. In this essay, I reflect on my personal journey, a story of unsaid love and the pursuit of independence.
Unsaid Affection: Trading Silence for Resilience
Until I was 74, the phrase 'I never told my parents that I loved them' was deeply buried in my mind, a secret I carried for decades due to the neglectful environment I grew up in. My birth father abandoned me at just five years old, and my stepmother was indifferent to me, as she already had four children of her own. My biological mother, instead of being compassionate, held a grudge, as she resented me for reminding her of her ex-husband, who used to abuse her. My stepfather only exhibited affection during violent acts, making him unapproachable as well, and he too resented my existence.
The Weight of Early Adversity
At the age of 13, my mother's words were a critical turning point. Men were the cause of all trouble in the world, she declared, and I was destined to prove her right. For the first time, I was faced with the reality that my parents were no longer just guides but assessors. They were more like observers, as if my actions were under scrutiny. This shift in dynamics forced me to adapt quickly and become more independent, starting with part-time jobs and eventually taking on a full-time role after college. I even faced a close call with suicide at 18, but I committed to staying virtuous and not pleasing others, which helped me navigate the world with a clear path.
The Autonomous Path to Adulthood
My journey to adulthood was marked by financial independence. I managed to pay off my student loans and put myself through college with my own savings, part-time jobs, and grants. My mother and stepfather's acknowledgment that they lacked the skills to raise a son was a relief. They had no ill intentions, just a lack of know-how. This experience was a DIY project for me, where I had to learn how to be responsible and independent, particularly after the clear deadline of high school graduation.
Forgiveness and Moving Forward
As I got older, I forgave my parents for their 'cool' demeanor, understanding that they had simply done what they believed was best, especially given their lack of experience in raising a son. Today, I am a father with five children, and I have learned to be compassionate and nurturing, rather than cold and distant. There are no good or bad parenting methods; what matters is the outcome. If my parents had coddled me, I would not have grown as an independent and responsible person, nor would I have the fulfilling life I have today.