Finding My Father in the Shadows: A Journey of Self-Discovery

Do you search for a father who didn’t accept you as his own? The answer might not be as straightforward as expected. If he didn’t want to claim you at birth, then it’s better not to spend your time searching for him. This is often referred to as a 'deadbeat father.'

Painful Beginnings

I grew up without knowing my biological father. My entire side of the family, aside from my adoptive father, remains a mystery to me. The story begins in the late 1980s when my mother was 5 months pregnant with me. Her encounter with a dangerous man left her with no choice but to leave home.

According to the story, my mother and the perpetrator were both products of humble beginnings. Around late 1980, my mother returned from an errand and walked into the trailer. Unbeknownst to her, he was hiding behind the door with a gun. He grabbed her, placed the gun to her head, and pulled the trigger. Fortunately, the gun was empty, but this was the final straw for my mother and her father, my grandfather. She left with a note, leaving her keys on the counter, saying 'goodbye please don’t look for me.' This was the beginning of a life without a father’s presence.

A Life Without a Father

I never knew much about my biological father or his family, beyond the trauma I mentioned. When people asked how life was without a father, my answer was often: 'I believe if you had a father in your life that you loved and lost then that must be much harder. I feel you can’t miss that which was never there.' I share this experience to establish credibility and to be open about my journey. Your experience may differ significantly.

Lessons Learned

Regardless of whether you choose to search for your father or not, my biggest piece of advice is to look inward for value. Only compare yourself to yourself from yesterday. The decisions and circumstances of their lives are different from yours. Your existence derives value from your own actions, not yours.

To illustrate, I often draw inspiration from the quote by Roosevelt: 'Smooth seas never made a skilled sailor.' Life experiences, especially those marred by hardship, shape our character. Each experience, whether comfortable or uncomfortable, contributes to our growth and resilience. It’s through these authentic and unshunted experiences that we gain confidence and strength.

Living your life with an open and loving heart, and a strong character, will help you navigate the world. When you find your father, you can approach him with confidence and objectivity. This will allow you to truly see him and make a better judgment about his place in your life.

Empowerment and Control

You are in control now. You just need to acknowledge and internalize it. The path to empowerment lies in recognizing your own worth and capabilities. Sharing your experience can provide comfort and support to others in similar situations. If you're comfortable, please share your thoughts and experiences. Your journey is unique and valuable.