Escaping the Depths: A Journey Through Depression and Reaching Meaning
Depression is a deeply personal experience, often unique to each individual. I am here to share my journey through a profound bout of depression and the subsequent rediscovery of meaning in life. This is not a journey for everyone, and it is not advisable to give general advice about depression. However, it is valuable to explore the subjective experience and the lessons that can be gleaned from such a journey.
Depression and Anxiety: The Overthinking Quagmire
My form of depression-anxiety often presents as an intellectually taxing condition. When I am truly depressed, my mind goes into overdrive. As a highly intellectual person, I find myself lost in an intensely ruminative and philosophical reflection. This reflection can be so consuming that it becomes a form of self-constructed scaffolding for my sense of self. In times of crisis, I naturally turn to this scaffolding for support, but the process can be destructive.
The tinkering with my mental constructs can become intense. Major sections are removed for inspection, sometimes leading to a doubt about the overall structural integrity. This introspection can create a sense of impending collapse, exacerbating the feeling of impending calamity. To someone who has not experienced depression or only mild depression, it is crucial to understand that major depression is a qualitatively different mode of consciousness. It is not the same as everyday sadness; it is an entirely different existence where all shades of emotion bleed into a single, horrific hue.
Depression: An Altered State of Consciousness
Major depression is not simply sadness. It is a state where one feels emotionally dysfunctional, where the normal nuances of emotional experience are lost. This is not a subdued feeling, but a comprehensive, monochromatic state where the feelings are almost drained of their emotional essence. They are cold and barren, akin to being high on drugs but in a much darker, more intense, and more distressing form.
In depression, one views life itself as a dead thing, an absurdity, and an unremarkable trick. Any form of everyday suffering feels pale in comparison to the profound and cosmic level of suffering found in depression. The pain is exponentially greater than even the worst pains life normally offers. This state is not just somber, it is a harsh and relentless indictment not just of one's life but of life itself. Each emotion, like a blade thrust into one’s abdomen, is devoid of the comforting drama of human struggle.
The Two Major Episodes
Throughout my life, I have experienced depression in two major episodes. The last episode occurred 20 years ago, and while I would not wish such experiences on anyone, in retrospect, I consider it a great gift. These episodes were not just about feeling sad, but they were catalysts for profound self-discovery and a personal transformation.
Each episode was not just about resolving specific life issues but about confronting and unraveling internal matters that had been repressed. These experiences were akin to a spiritual fever, forcing me to face my internal demons. Through these reflections, I gained a greater insight into the meaning of my life and underwent a personal transvaluation of values. I learned something profound about myself and life: I was changed for the better by the experience, and came out feeling more aligned with my true self.
Giving a New Perspective on Life
My life outwardly transformed too. I now view life with a new perspective, both inwardly and in terms of my daily life. Although I dread the prospect of another dive into the abyss, I see it differently now. I view it as an intense spiritual workout, a challenge that brings me closer to the divine through the devil. It is not an experience to be feared but one to be embraced, as it offers a profound and transformative experience.
If you are struggling with depression or have been through an experience similar to mine, know that there is hope. Sharing your experiences and learning from them can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself and your place in the world. Recovery is possible, and it can lead to a more meaningful and insightful life.