Deciding to Pursue a Relationship with Your Birth Father

Life is full of many decisions, some of which can have significant impacts on our personal and emotional well-being. One such decision is whether to pursue a relationship with your birth father, especially if you have never met him and have only a name and location. This article aims to explore the factors and considerations involved in such a decision, drawing from personal experiences and general advice from experts.

Addressing a Common Query

This scenario is quite common and often prompts questions like, 'If you never met your birth father but knew his name and location, would you try to contact him even if he was likely to deny fathering you?'

A similar query recently surfaced on forums and it was further detailed in Colin McDonald's response, which I will elaborate upon. It is important to acknowledge that whether to take this step is a highly personal decision. Factors such as your age, maturity, and overall circumstances play significant roles.

Personal Reflections and Decision Making

Through my own experience, I can attest that the answer to this query is not straightforward. For years, I wondered about my birth father, regardless of the stories I had heard about him. He was described as not being the greatest person, but the truth is often far more complex than these stories convey. It wasn't until my 30s, a time when I felt more mature and prepared, that I decided to take the step of searching for my father.

I started with just his first and last names, and eventually tracked him down. Meeting him was a significant and complex experience. The interaction had profound psychological implications for me, and its impact has been felt throughout my life. This decision should not be taken lightly, as the outcomes can range from the best to the worst, often both.

Understanding the potential emotional and psychological impacts is crucial. It's important to remember that meeting a parent, biological or otherwise, is akin to encountering something you've only read about or seen or heard about but have never personally experienced. The emotional impact can be as unpredictable as it is profound.

Preliminary Research and Preparation

Before making any moves, it's essential to gather as much information as possible about your father from those who know him. Family members like your mother, aunt, uncle, grandparents, or siblings can provide valuable insights that may influence your decision. Their perspectives can help you understand your father better and prepare you for what to expect.

In my case, I spoke to my mother and other family members, who filled in the gaps of my knowledge about him. I learned more about his character, his responsibilities, and his behavior. This preliminary research was crucial in helping me prepare myself emotionally and mentally for the encounter.

Psychological Impact and Waiting Period

Engaging with a unknown or denied parent carries a significant psychological impact. The potential for disappointment, rejection, and hurt feelings is real, and it's important to be prepared for these emotions. Additionally, waiting before making the decision to contact your father can help you process your emotions and gather the necessary support.

I remember a comparison made to how you wouldn't know exactly what it feels like to be hit by a car until you experience it. Similarly, you might not fully understand your feelings about your father until you interact with him.

Waiting allows you to reflect on the best and worst possible scenarios and to prepare yourself accordingly. It also gives you time to gather the emotional and social support you might need to handle the encounter and any resulting outcomes.

Personal Experiences and Reflections

In one of my early experiences, I met my birth father at the age of 16. By the time I was in my late 30s, I learned that he is indeed a very irresponsible parent who let me down in ways that are hard to ignore. Despite being his biological child, he refused to take responsibility for me because I am disabled. While I acknowledge the genetic connection, the emotional and practical support I received from others made me see that he was not a good role model for me.

It's crucial to recognize that there are different types of people when it comes to this issue: those who would rather know and those who would rather not. If you are in the former category, you might find it valuable to pursue this relationship. If you fall into the latter, it might be best to let it go.

Personally, I prefer knowing the truth and all the complexities that come with it. The journey to find out about your birth father can be challenging, but the insights and understanding it brings, along with the potential emotional support, make it worthwhile for many.

Conclusion

Deciding to pursue a relationship with your birth father is a deeply personal and complex decision. It requires a thorough understanding of your own needs and readiness, as well as preparation to handle the various emotional and psychological outcomes. Consulting family members and reflecting on the potential impacts are crucial steps in making this decision. Ultimately, the goal is to find peace, truth, and self-acceptance in the process.