What is something you did as a child that was totally fine to do but now you can’t stand it or see a reason why to do it?

From a young age, my world was filled with experiences that shaped who I am today. One particular memory stands out to me – the intricate candles that my older sister had. These beautiful 1975-era candles were not just objects of admiration but a source of wonder. My innocent curiosity led me to dig out the center of these candles, which required lifting them to notice. Unfortunately, my actions were discovered by my sister, who, in a fit of rage, blamed a younger sibling. It wasn’t until I reached adulthood that I confessed to my misdeed.

The Hidden Pain of My Mother's Past

My mother's past was marred by experiences that few can comprehend. At the age of 18, she was kidnapped, raped, and beaten, eventually left for dead in an alley in New York in the 1950s. Her mental state deteriorated as a result, and she spent significant periods in mental hospitals due to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), a condition that was not yet recognized in those days. Doctors experimented with various medications and electroshock treatments on her to help manage her symptoms, which further traumatized her.

Childhood Responsibilities and Resentment

Before my mother’s conditions affected our family, I carried a heavy burden of household responsibilities and caregiving. As the oldest female, I was tasked with everything from chores to caring for my younger siblings. My father left much to be desired when it came to assistance, leaving me to fend for myself even during my mother’s hospital stays. Witnessing her medication-induced state of confusion or drowsiness, I often felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. The resentment I felt towards my older brother for the privileges he enjoyed, such as going out with friends and not being involved in household tasks, was palpable. This resentment eventually turned into a professional and personal calling to care for others.

Caregiving as a Sanctuary

The experience of caring for an elderly woman who needed constant assistance in her late 70s taught me valuable skills and insights. I also took care of my grandmother who had Pertanancell dialysis and required a colostomy bag management, as well as my nieces and nephews while my older siblings were at work. All these roles became a part of my daily life, and my mother's passing only solidified the profound care I provided. As a hairdresser, I even started visiting a wheelchair-bound elderly woman to do her hair, which I continued for five years. Over time, I learned to read body language and anticipate needs, skills deeply rooted in my PTSD.

Now, I understand the burdens that were placed on me as a child and how it impacted my own development. Today, I can interpret body language to offer help proactively, a skill I developed as a result of my own PTSD. However, the emotional ties that bind me to my siblings and the constant worry about their well-being remain deeply ingrained. They often forget to consider my needs and only seek my help when it is too late. Their own struggles with PTSD and the absence of familial support further complicate the situation. The family dynamic is a complex web of love and neglect, with the absence of my cousins adding to the overall tension.

Conclusion

Experiences from my childhood continue to influence my present-day life, often in ways that are difficult to acknowledge. The act of digging out a candle's center, done out of innocent curiosity, now haunts me, symbolizing the complexities of my past and the innate sense of loss and longing. Sibling relationships, once a source of joy and care, have become a battleground of unspoken resentment and expectations.

To reconnect with a sense of normalcy and fulfillment, I believe it is crucial to address the emotional and psychological wounds of our past. Acknowledging the impact of PTSD and caregiving responsibilities can open the door to self-healing and mutual understanding within families. Moving beyond past resentments and into the present, I am determined to seek the support and validation that I and my loved ones so desperately need.